November Thanks Day 20 - The Events That Shaped Me

Today has been a long, rough sort of day. Just in the sense that lots of hours were dedicated to something important, but not necessarily uplifting or fun. So it took me a bit to think of something to be thankful for beyond the usual my family is alive and we were all granted another day to live... As I was making dinner, it hit me that I have been through many different events in my life (as we all have) that have helped mold me into the adult that I am, and that some of those events were hard yet now I am grateful to have been through them, and have learned much about myself. That includes, by the way, all of the negatives in my life, so anyone wanting to lodge a complaint... Here are the culprits to complain too!

The first event in my life that I would like to recognize and be grateful for is parenthood. We all know that parenthood changes us, although it effects each person differently. I was 19 when I became a mom. By all standards, I was young but felt I was mature enough to handle things. I was wrong. It's funny how babies tend to confirm a complete lack in ability to be selfless, and provide a mirror to see the mounds of patience we all don't have... Needless to say, I did not handle becoming a mother with the grace that I should have. I did not the first time around, nor the second when I was 21. Actually, I'm still working on the grace thing... And the patience... And the selflessness. You see, having a child does not prevent anyone from having selfish thoughts. If anything, those thoughts multiply while seeing/feeling that the whole world is spinning out of control, control is essentially lost, and the sandman won't be visiting for a while. What a baby does do, though, is provide a boot camp of sorts in not acting on the selfishness. As I said, I'm still working on it, I spend money on coffee when I could put that money towards a camp or something for the kids. I'm not perfect, but am a work in progress. Also, parenthood tends to make things a little more funny, and forces us to laugh at ourselves. Remember that time your kid started pushing your other kid during a musical practice at church? Or, oh, remember the time your kid grabbed her chest in the middle of a restaurant and loudly announced she is now getting boobs? No? Okay, just me then. If that is you, then laugh, otherwise you'll develop frown lines before you turn 30.

Me with my baby girl in 2006

Me not caring with my baby boy 2008

The next event was getting married. Much like having children, pretty much everyone goes through this. What no one told me, though, is that the first few years aren't exactly easy. They are filled with adjustment, getting to see who we actually are as people (you know, the good/bad we didn't want them to see while dating as it may scare the other person off), and rubbing away at the rough spots much like a clam with sand to get to the pearl. While I definitely haven't been turned into a sellable jewelry yet, I definitely know that marriage has made me a better person, learning how to approach things as a team instead of an individual. And in remembering that I am not the only one to complete things, there is another person there (which is how I know I'm not at pearl status, yet. I definitely forget this one a lot to my spouse's chagrin). I also have learned there is a major difference between being in love with someone, and loving them. I have also learned that everyone, no matter what, will end up in the second stage so there is no point in feeling like something is broken when the first one ends. There, maybe I saved someone a trip to the counselors office. Your bank account shall thank you if you embrace this concept early on.

Our wedding party in 2007

Hubby and flower girl, Reyna

Us in 2010

Being laid off was another life changing/shaping event for me. Prior to that I had things figure out. I worked at the Better Business Bureau, felt confident at how young I was and yet how I'd landed such a great job, and knew that school would eventually be in my future but that I was fine for the moment. And then, my whole world got yanked out from under me. Bitterness and anger were the emotions that followed in the next few months. I had no idea what to do with myself, but eventually embraced the idea of staying at home. I volunteered at the local elementary school thinking I would possibly pursue a teaching degree (a few months in I said nope to that idea, ironically). I also took classes on cake decorating. The house was clean, kids were potty trained, and life didn't seem so bad. Then my husband lost his job (and our car got broken into, windows smashed, and cell phone stolen). Boy what a jolt that provided. Never in my life have I felt the need to rush and put my life together as I did then. But I did it, and was hired at the Employment Securities Department, and was one of the youngest people there. I loved my co-workers, and my job. I loved the commute and being in the city. And then I got laid off again. My whole perspective on job security was shattered, and I knew that I had to do something to get my life on track. That was when I decided to just "jump" and find a school and degree track to propel myself towards something, anything. So many appointments, so much paperwork, it all seemed so endless. Eventually, I settled on WGU and a part time job with one of our local school districts. That turned into me deciding to teach for a living, and an almost full time job with the school district. And it taught me that I am not irreplaceable. There are no guarantees in life, so it's best to be prepared for times of crises (even if that just means mentally because your bank account has no spare change to be prepared) and know that you can, and will, get through it. My dad used to throw a quote at me of "this too shall pass", and I know from this experience that it does.

 The next is a really odd one, but it helped me see that my family really is a team unit, working together. We had a major storm in 2012, the power went out, there was deep snow everywhere, then it rained ice, trees were down, the works. For days we were trapped at home, not able to drive anywhere. Our power, luckily, was only out for 24 hours, but getting anywhere to do anything was near impossible. And, shockingly, when you have kids they do need to eat, stay warm, be entertained, and know that they're safe. That winter, my husband and I learned to suck it up, and hike up a mile in snow that had a layer of ice on top. By saying layer of ice, I do mean thick slabs of ice where you place one foot down, and are met with a feeling of razor sharp resistance that created bruising (and probably cuts if our pants weren't so thick). We had to do it, though, and we did it together and even did so happily after accepting that freezing our butts off, being in pain, and generally being uncomfortable was our fate. We also BBQ'ed in the garage (with the door open, no comments about how unsafe it was because we were well ventilated) in order to make sure the kids and neighbors ate. It was interesting. After a week, we realized we could do it, we could work together and not kill one another.

Our backyard after the first or second day of the storm.

Definitely not one of the last events that was changing in my life, but the last I will talk about (some things, honestly, are too private to share) is that of meeting some of my husband's friends. It sounds funny that the friends of my spouse would deserve a spot in a post, as they are not directly in my life, but my husband's. Nevertheless, Rob, Robert, Jeremy (someone we fell out of touch with) and some others I have met, but will remain nameless for the sake of privacy. Both Rob and Robert were very instrumental during difficult times in our lives, just being there to listen offer advice, watch the kids, or be confident enough to tell us the answers we needed to hear, but didn't exactly want. Jeremy is someone who was around in the early days , such as right after both kids were born when both Ken and I were adjusting to our new roles. He had a sense of when one of us would need help, and would simply step in and do it. I remember one time being completely overwhelmed, Reyna just cried and cried, and Ken was at work. Jeremy gently took her from me, sent me to take an hour to watch the new episode of Grey's Anatomy, and then let me lay down for a little bit. Robert has been quick to let me know when my expectations in life, relationship, or for the kids is unreasonable. He has reminded me that my children are not robots, and are entitled to their own feelings so long as they are following the rules and being respectful. He has also reminded me again and again that there are times to compromise, and times to dig in my heels, and hold on to my pride. Rob has shown he has an endless ability to listen, provide encouragement, and perspective. When I have "oh crap" moments, he has been the one to stay calm, steady, and reminding that I am not the first person on the planet to make these mistakes (like getting into two car accidents in a month... How genius of me). Knowing these three guys, and through them April (Robert's wife) and Lisa (Rob's fiancé) has helped me learn that letting others who are not family in can some times be the smartest thing we could have ever done. Thanks guys!