The End: It's Time to Break-Up

Pardon the sideways video, this is the first time I have made, and then posted, one and I'm still getting the hang of things (I could always do it again, but as it's a 2 hour drive to the mountain and I'm already home, that's NOT happening). Also, excuse the lack of planning in what I had to say, it was a spur of the moment decision that I made after approximately five minutes of thinking things over, and waiting for the crowds of people to walk away so they wouldn't think I was crazy.

That being said, I have never been so sad with myself in my life. We went on a hike to the Skyline Trail (for those of you not certain what this is like, learn more here). Now, last summer I went on this exact same trail and had a horrible time since I had figured summertime = no snow. Because of that, I wore really sturdy flip flops, and ended up regretting it 1/2 mile in when a snow field appeared, and ended up walking barefoot in said snow. When I found out, yesterday, that we would be going back, I decided it would be different this year. I've already gone on four other hikes, and done a decent, although painfully slow, job, and I've been biking for a minimum of an hour a day, six days a week. This hike, to me, would be a piece of cake.



Photo by Reyna

HA I say, HA to my former self of yesterday. The result of today's expedition left me wanting to sit on the side of the trail and cry a river Mount Rainier a new River of Pity. I not only saw, for the first time ever, a picture of myself (taken by my daughter) with me in all of my out of shape glory, but I was also in a situation where I had to decide to let my family go on ahead while I would turn back. Doing this in front of my husband, who has not done anything involving more than medium level exertion with me since before my kids were born, was absolutely humiliating - and not because he said anything negative, but because I felt I proved to both of us just how bad I am (by the way, in my video I said I got halfway up. I found out, after making it, that I was wrong. I made it close to halfway on the "up" points, but there was another 3/4's of the way to go to complete the full Skyline Trail, which my family did).

So, as I pantingly climbed these stairs (yes, I said stairs) I came to a point where I said enough. I could have gone a bit further, but I could see the switch backs strait up in front of me, and knew that I'd never be able to make it beyond another 1/2 mile. My husband, six year old son, and dad went on ahead and my daughter and I turned back. After hearing their tale, I know I was right and that I could not have done it (1700 ft gain in elevation, most of that in stair form... Ha ha, no thanks!) right now. The thing is, though, I should have been able to. There were all sorts of people around me, some of whom were Grandparents (I'd say 70 years young) and they kept plodding along. Yet I could not do this, I could not put one foot in front of the other and keep on going without feeling like an asthma attack was about to strike.


My dad, son, and husband climbing the switchbacks without us.

A view backwards of the stair action

 



The zig zagging are the switchbacks, which have stairs all the
way to the top, at least that's my assumption. I wasn't
about to test that assumption either.

No matter where I turned, today, I seemed to see a reflection of myself and how I have let myself and my family down. I am a blob, a person who (if it was needed) really probably couldn't survive a disaster beyond a day, and I cannot live my life to its fullest because of my limitations. In short, I have been my own worst enemy. Not my husband, my kids, my stress levels, or anything else. It's all been me, and it's now time for me to end things with myself, and break up with the way I am now.

Please enjoy my rant, and keep any negative, disparaging, comments away from me as I need some positive incentive to keep moving forward. Also, please don't assume I'm inactive, because I am far from that!