The Timeout List - AKA, the Journey to the Naughty Stool

My dad makes these stools that are pretty awesome. Each time one of my close friends has a child, he makes them one so that the child has their own piece of furniture to play with. As time has gone on, these stools have turned into the timeout furniture of the home, and have been dubbed the "naughty stool". So, when I read the prompt of this week (List 10 people, places, or things you’d like to give a timeout to) my brain immediately said "hmmm, whom shall we place on the naughty stool?".

1. The Middle East. Yep, I just went there. Pretty much that entire area - lets just say the whole continent - needs a time out. We'll say one hour per each person that has senselessly been killed. That should put them on the stool for a long enough time that someone who has some compassion and brains can come in and fix things and see that Christians, other minorities, and women all deserve to 1. live, and 2. have rights. Middle East, go to your corner, now!

2. Russia. Mr. Putin, Sir, you are also going to have to sit your shirtless-while-riding-a-white-tiger self on a teeny, tiny stool for a while. Have you not learned that complete control and violence are not okay? They're not. Terrorizing other countries is also not okay. Someone, apparently, did not learn how to share in kindergarten, or how to get along with others. In fact, maybe instead of timeout you should simply be sent back to class with a bunch of 5 year olds.

3.  Friends who are only around when they need something, or when they are in between finding best friends. Seriously, we're either good friends or we're not. We're either on a level where we share intimate details or we're not. We're either basically like family or we're not. No more games, no more wasting of time, or playing with emotions.

4. Myself. A lot of times I feel as though I need to go to my own corner and collect my breath. This is especially so before dealing with my children. I have found that it teaches them about patience, and about making important decisions while calm. Plus, some times it's important to just hide and be alone.

5. Major fans of the NFL. All of ya'll need to chill out. This whole "they cheated" nonsense is getting out of hand. Newsflash, ALL of the teams cheat. Does it make it right? Nope. Should they do it? Again, nope. Just stop getting on your high horse in acting like there are no skeletons in your team's closet because I guarantee you that there are (here's a list, for anyone interested). Plus, football season is over. Can we please take a break from it until August?

6. The makers of delicious, yet unhealthy, foods. It is simply not fair to those of us with food allergies and intolerances to have to watch others eat this deliciousness, and smell it as well, yet not be able to indulge. Maybe, just maybe, you should sit on the naughty stool for a llllloooonnnngggg time while someone eats that stuff around you and doesn't let you have it! Bet that'd make you all reach for natural ingredients in a hurry!

7. The United State's government. I don't think I even need to explain this one. From the mess of the economy, not being able to set a budget (seriously, we families do it all of the time, pay one of us to come up with it for you!), and making questionable decisions left and right you all need a naughty stool, nap, and possible relocation to a new daycare.

8. The political correctness police. The one thing I have noticed as I have matured into adulthood is that the more pc things become, the more aware people become of differences. It is hard to say we are all equals and are all the same, while also being forced to be overly sensitive in word choices. You cannot have it both ways. At the same time, looking at people's pasts and fearing about the repercussions takes away from all we have learned from mistakes. It is important to acknowledge slavery, the holocaust, gender inequality, etc and see it for exactly what it is, yet move forward with courage. For those of you that can't, to the corner you go!

9. People who feel it's okay to have child trafficking/marriage. You who do this, or argue for it, are sick individuals and human beings. A timeout is probably too nice for you, but as that was my only option that's what you get. How this can even be publicly argued I do not know.

10.My children. You both are about to spend a while in separate corners of the house if you cannot get along with one another! Also, this whining, sighing, and eye rolling is stupid and needs to stop. I, myself, feel like doing all of the above at you multiple times a day now, and do not plan on getting most of my caloric exercise from plummeting breaths and eye movements. Gah!

I know my list is random. Trust me, if there wasn't a list on 10 it would have been a lot more comprehensive. Happy Thursday, all!

Top 10 Life Stories

 

Today's prompt is hilarious: You know those life stories that just never die? No matter how old you get or where you go or who you’re with…SOMEONE brings them back up?

1. When I was beginning community college, I had just started dating my now husband. In my rush to go visit him, I quickly did my chores incorrectly. Big time uh oh ensued - I had loaded the dishwasher with dish soap instead of dish washing detergent. Needless to say, the entire kitchen was covered in a one foot deep lake of bubbles.

 

2. Right after my husband and I moved in together, I decided to cook us dinner. I put everything in the oven, walked off, and minutes later smelled smoke. I set the oven on fire. After that, it took my husband a while before he willingly let me cook anything again.

 

3. I had set a fire in our fireplace a few years ago. I put in a bunch of scraps, and walked away. All of a sudden there was a tremendously loud bang and tons of smoke. What I had not realized is that there was a can of liquid foam in with all of the scraps I had thrown in. The can exploded, and liquid foam shot ten feet out and covered our carpet, walls, and front door. And the fire department came. That was a fun night when the hubby got home...

 

4. When I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter, I was working at a job where I had to commute quite a distance. On my way home from work, one night, I was driving on the freeway and noticed an odd smell, and then smoke, and then flames. I pulled over, and the entire front end of my car was on fire. A nice stranger pulled over behind me, and yanked me out of the car (prego belly made that difficult). It turns out that an oil change a week earlier hadn't been done well, and our engine caught on fire. Everything turned out fine, even though the car was totaled. I did, though, almost end up being taken to jail in the process (the car was registered to my fiancé - now husband - and not to me), and I made the local news in creating a major traffic jam. Good times.

 

5. Years and years ago I was an intern for Walt Disney World. While there, my roommates and I went to a party one night, and after becoming slightly intoxicated I decided to call a friend as I made my way back to my apartment. I went inside, used the bathroom while still on the phone, and woke up one of my roommates while turning her light on as she was sleeping. The funny part is that 1. I yelled at my friend (remember, I was on the phone with her) for waking up my roommate, and 2. I freaked out because halfway through my phone conversation I realized that I was no longer wearing pants and had not put them back on after using the bathroom.

 

6. When pregnant with my daughter I threw up in our bed. In front of my husband.

 

7. My daughter was born via an emergency C-section. I say this so that you all know and understand why I did nothing after the grossness occurred. Anyways, the day after she was born my dad and another friend came to visit and hold her. Before they got a chance to pick her up, she projectile vomited all over me, and in my mouth. My husband promptly ran to throw up in the bathroom, my dad said that this was a good time to leave, and our friend threw a towel at me and ran and got a nurse. So there I was, covered in slimy, gray colored puke. Welcome to motherhood!

 

8. This next one is horrible. I apologize in advance for even sharing it, but if I didn't, I'd be called out for it later on. Back in 2012, I decided to host a Thanksgiving brunch and had invited several friends over. I had served the food, and was happy with how everything was going. And then... Then the worst smell I have ever smelled in my life spread throughout my house and just kept getting stronger. Eventually, we found out that the kids kitten had climbed into the dryer and settled in amongst the wet clothes. It's horrible. I am a kitten killer in the worst sense. And I have never, ever lived that holiday meal down.

 

9. I hate, like really hate, the feeling of certain textures. In particular, I hate the feeling of that stuff that makes up wedding veils. One of my best friends knew this, and one day decided to chase me around an entire Joann's trying to touch me with that disgusting material. I think I ran faster at that point than I have ever run before. Yuck!

 

10. My dad invited my kids and I to go hiking on Mount Rainier one summer. Me, being a dummy, figured it's summertime so why not wear flip flops. Big mistake. Big, huge, gigantic mistake. There was still snow on the mountain, and lots of it. The air wasn't cold, but the ground was covered and part of the way up there was no other option other than to trudge through the snow. And I did it with flip flops, and when those became too slipper I took them off and did it with no shoes. My dad has still not let me live that one down.